The truth about fellatio and donkeys.

Donkey_penis

I used to disparage the act of fellatio. I’m using that term for all you sapiosexuals. The real term is sucking a dick. That phrase remains, in many ways, the ultimate hetero sin, the ultimate way in which males of a certain age or younger, such as myself, degrade the value of an event.

“How was the concert?”

“It sucked dick.”

“Damn.”

“Ya. Donkey Dick.”

Yet as it turns out, plenty of people like performing fellatio. Perhaps you think “performing fellatio” sounds a tad grandiose. Perhaps you’re right but make no mistake there is an element of theatrical performance that goes into any well produced fellatio.

Returning to the original idea, I’m going to say, ballpark, 40% of the world likes to do the sucking part. 40% of the world likes to do the fellatio performance while about the same number likes to be the interactive audience member.

Not 50/50?

No.

Believe it or not, I’ve talked to men who don’t like to have a mouth on their member. It’s a small sample size.

Every number I’ll ever reference has been pulled out of my ass. I’m just guessing that about 8.7 in 10 men like the mouth on the member. I think that translates to 40% of the world. I’m probably wrong. I’m a slacker so I have no intention of finding any evidence for this claim.

Now this might come as a surprise but not all women like to do it. I would venture to guess that evangelical ladies and dyed-in-the-lady-wool lesbians (copyright 2015) even discourage the activity. I’ve had a few lesbian friends but I’ve never had the balls to ask them their opinion on fellatio.

The number of gays who enjoy the giving element props the number up but even 40% feels high to me. The point being that at least a billion people enjoy it. It’s probably safer to say lots and lots of people enjoy kowtowing to the little emperor aka the son of heaven.

With this in mind I’m officially changing the term, in my personal book of appropriate grammar, in order to honor those to whom the act of giving a blow job is not a negative but a positive.

The term “that sucks donkey dick” has always been, as in the example above, an add on to the “that sucks dick” idiom. Instead of saying “that sucks dick” it would be more appropriate and less offensive to go straight to donkey dick.

I will never again describe something as sucking dick but will always use donkey dick.

And so it must be

for so it is written

on the doorway to paradise…

This is a brave choice for me to make because what’s left after donkey dick if the conversation needs to be escalated?

At the end of the day, we can all agree with donkey dick being undesirable–almost as undesirable as the phrase “at the end of the day.”

Or can we? Can we all agree that donkey dick is undesirable? Maybe. Maybe not because there’s at least one person who thinks donkey dick is king.

That person would be me. I’ll admit that the act itself is challenging. I have to stay focused on the moment. A donkey dick is an intense encounter but if I lean into the intensity of it, go toward the intensity, then something opens up inside of me–rendering death and forever with each breathing–as soon as I accept enough of that donkey.

I see God.

Afterwards I feel as though I’ve done yoga for three hours. I’m loose and relaxed and usually covered in blood. My bowel whispers, “Thank you” for about a month and a half and then I need to head back to Tijuana for another session with my guru, the donkey dick.

Acknowledgments: Louis C.K did a bit about sucking a dick and the numbers involved. My numbers are slightly different than his and I believe I had a conversation about this issue prior to seeing his special Shameless in which the bit is found. The phrase rendering death and forever with each breathing is from the E.E. Cummings poem Somewhere I have never traveled.

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Slacker and Sinner

Someone important once said, “We are both saint and sinner.” That sounds profound but is it true?

I don’t know about that saint part. Who wants to be a saint anymore? 300 years ago that had to be a dream for kids. Everyone wanted to grow up and be a saint. Right?

There must have been a little boy in Assisi, Italy dreaming of the day his own statue would be erected next the great Saint Francis of Assisi. The little boy would lay awake in bed imagining all the prayers people were going to pray to him after he died a terrible death and was beatified (turned into a saint) by the Pope.

The little boy prayed hard. He was trying to sweat blood while he prayed. That’s the gold standard for praying hard.

One day the boy felt a stirring in his loins and his dick replaced his heart–not completely but close enough. If I were to boil it down, having experienced this myself, the sentiment would be something like, “Fuck Jesus, I want to masturbate.”

The casual reader who did not grow up in a daily battle for the soul of the world might wonder what Jesus has to do with masturbation. Masturbating is a sin of lust and falls short of the glory of God.

Imagine this if you will.

At least twice and often thrice, or four, five, and six times a day you’re committing a sin which belittles the sacrifice Jesus made for you on the cross. After roughly 1859 failures to not masturbate one is tempted to say, “Fuck Jesus, my purpose in life is to drain this thing bi-daily.”

Nope, no one wants to be a saint. When it comes to the “saint and sinner” idea we’re losing the saint part but goddammit we’re keeping the sinner part.

We’re replacing “saint” with “slacker”. I know, I know. The “saint and sinner” means we’re both good and bad but “slacker and sinner” implies that we’re both bad and worse.

I protest.

Everyone wants to be a slacker. How often have you heard people say, “You know, I just want to do what I want. I don’t want to worry about money or anything. I wanna follow whatever I’m doing and then move on to something else if I want.”

That’s being a slacker (also Jamaican). It’s great. I don’t think there is anything greater in this world than being a slacker. It is the ultimate existence. You don’t worry about money and you do whatever you want. Anyone can have that lifestyle whenever they want it. You might not have that much money but one way to not worry about money is to not have any.

However, we all imagine having that lifestyle and money. It is possible but it’s usually called retirement and it takes a butt-load of not slacking to get there.

I’m saying anyone, anyone can slack off right now and improve the quality of their lives even if that means having less income. Less income doesn’t mean less money.

All we’ve got to do is stop being mindless sheep. It’s easy.

I’m lying. It’s difficult but it’s very, very, simple.