Slacker and Sinner

Someone important once said, “We are both saint and sinner.” That sounds profound but is it true?

I don’t know about that saint part. Who wants to be a saint anymore? 300 years ago that had to be a dream for kids. Everyone wanted to grow up and be a saint. Right?

There must have been a little boy in Assisi, Italy dreaming of the day his own statue would be erected next the great Saint Francis of Assisi. The little boy would lay awake in bed imagining all the prayers people were going to pray to him after he died a terrible death and was beatified (turned into a saint) by the Pope.

The little boy prayed hard. He was trying to sweat blood while he prayed. That’s the gold standard for praying hard.

One day the boy felt a stirring in his loins and his dick replaced his heart–not completely but close enough. If I were to boil it down, having experienced this myself, the sentiment would be something like, “Fuck Jesus, I want to masturbate.”

The casual reader who did not grow up in a daily battle for the soul of the world might wonder what Jesus has to do with masturbation. Masturbating is a sin of lust and falls short of the glory of God.

Imagine this if you will.

At least twice and often thrice, or four, five, and six times a day you’re committing a sin which belittles the sacrifice Jesus made for you on the cross. After roughly 1859 failures to not masturbate one is tempted to say, “Fuck Jesus, my purpose in life is to drain this thing bi-daily.”

Nope, no one wants to be a saint. When it comes to the “saint and sinner” idea we’re losing the saint part but goddammit we’re keeping the sinner part.

We’re replacing “saint” with “slacker”. I know, I know. The “saint and sinner” means we’re both good and bad but “slacker and sinner” implies that we’re both bad and worse.

I protest.

Everyone wants to be a slacker. How often have you heard people say, “You know, I just want to do what I want. I don’t want to worry about money or anything. I wanna follow whatever I’m doing and then move on to something else if I want.”

That’s being a slacker (also Jamaican). It’s great. I don’t think there is anything greater in this world than being a slacker. It is the ultimate existence. You don’t worry about money and you do whatever you want. Anyone can have that lifestyle whenever they want it. You might not have that much money but one way to not worry about money is to not have any.

However, we all imagine having that lifestyle and money. It is possible but it’s usually called retirement and it takes a butt-load of not slacking to get there.

I’m saying anyone, anyone can slack off right now and improve the quality of their lives even if that means having less income. Less income doesn’t mean less money.

All we’ve got to do is stop being mindless sheep. It’s easy.

I’m lying. It’s difficult but it’s very, very, simple.


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